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New Year, IMPROVED Me; Kickin’ off 2020 Right!

New Year, Same me, BIGGER Dreams, and a Fresh START!

2020 is here! As you reflect on 2019, you think about all the things you could’ve done better, what regrets you may have, and what goals you may have for the year to come. You make your list of resolutions that may consist of the following:

Working out
Eating right/ Diet
Saving money/ Budgeting
Drinking more water
Read one book a month

And the list goes on and on.

But for once, let’s look at this year as something different. Let’s stop trying to reinvent ourselves and improve the person we are and work towards who we want to be. Face it, having a list of 20 resolutions can be completely overwhelming. On average it takes 66 days ( 2 months) to form a new habit and 21 days to break one. Which explains why mid February, early March, people have fallen off the wagon.

So let’s take a different approach. This year I have decided to go about my resolutions a different way so, here are 3 ways to ensure you crush the new year!

Make Monthly Goals/Resolutions

Let’s face it, that list that you have for the whole year can definitely be discouraging when it’s March and you’ve realized that you haven’t accomplished as much as you wanted too. So break it down! I made a list of things I want to do over the course of the year and then divided them up by month. This A) gave me a good look at what I really want to accomplish, B) helped me create a timeline on when I can complete these goals, and C) relieved to pressure of having to decide how I begin.

Dividing up by month also helped me put more appropriate goals in certain months. For example, I clean out my closet in January, May, August, and November that way I am helping myself declutter, keeping up with the change of the seasons, and I am able to donate those clothes which marks off 2 of my goals for this year.

Declutter my closet
Make donations to Goodwill

2. Have some form of a calendar

The important part about this is having a calendar that you will actually look at AND update. I use to be that person who always bought a planner thinking I was going to write in it when in reality, I NEVER DO! When I was in high school/ college, planners were my saving grace but, since I have joined the regular work force they just aren’t practical for my everyday life.

I have become more accustomed to using a dry erase wall calendar and creating tabs that are color coded and are monthly occurrences like Rent, Power/Cable bill, Church, grocery shopping, etc. I even schedule in “Self- Care Days” like nail appointments, washing my hair, and doing full skin car routines.

I also use my Google Calendar on my phone for events that are far out so that way I can add them to the calendar accordingly. This calendar is also color coded to match my dry erase calendar. Having these things marked not only remind me todo them but, ensures that I don’t over-schedule myself. For example, I know I will be at church from 10-11:30am every Sunday so I know not to schedule anything else during that time.

3. Re-evaluate

Things change and sometimes, that’s not a bad thing. In my calendar, I have reminders to re-evaluate my goals every 3 months. This is to see what goals we accomplished and which ones weren’t. It helps me assess if some of the goals I have are even necessary anymore. I think the re-evaluation step is the most important key to keeping your resolutions. Sometimes, resolutions aren’t needed anymore so, why crowd your list with things that won’t get done because of reasons out of your control.

Seeing what you did not achieve can be disheartening and can have a negative affect on your ability to follow through with your resolutions. You want to set yourself up to succeed so, let go of what can’t be done and move on.

Of course everything isn’t going to go your way, that’s just life. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t take control of your life to ensure that whatever direction it goes in, you are ready to adapt and can keep up. Remember…

No one is coming to save you, THIS life is 100% your responsibility. So take it and live it to the best of your ability.

To the Girl Missing her Father on Father’s Day…

Being a daddy’s girl is like having permanent armor for the rest of your life.
Mariners Reka

To the girl missing her father on Father’s Day, this is for you.

For eight years I have dealt with this empty feeling on Father’s Day. Why, because I’ve had to deal with the memories of what I use to have. And realizing that they are just that, a memory.

For the first two years I was so angry. I didn’t understand why I had to sit through this day and deal with my pain and remember that he’s never coming back.

The next few years I started to shift more into acceptance. Understanding that I had the best dad for 17 years! He was better than what most people have in a life time and that’s the best.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still hurts but I have such a strong support system that never neglected to remind me of what I had and to be thankful for it.

After his death I had a numerous amount of male figures that were around step up into my life to ensure I was ok. How many people can say that. I was so thankful that along with taking care of their own kids, they made sure that I was ok. They included me in their family and that meant the world.

So here we are, 8 years later and I’m finally able to express my feelings.

My circumstance and family dynamic I’ve come to realize was almost textbook. I had two educated parents that both came from a two parent household with siblings. Both my parents excelled at everything they did and supported me to do the same.

They came to everything my brother and I ever did and they supported us through it all. We had a open home dynamic that was always full of life and laughter. We took those family vacations where my dad would drive, my mom would sit in the passengers side, and my brother and I would be worrisome in the back seat the whole way.

However, what people didn’t know was my dad had Sickle Cell Anemia. A disorder that caused your red blood cells to be misshapen and die early. Leaving the person with limited healthy cells.

For a long time I didn’t understand what he was dealing with. Until I got older and he would tell me or and I would do more research on my own. I learned that it was important for him to watch what he eats, stay hydrated, and do what ever he can to limit his pain. And that’s exactly what he did. Where most people make a hospital visit every few months, my dad could limit his to every few years because he took such good care of himself.

Every time he was sick, my mom was there. She was there from the beginning and all the way to the end. Watching her do so made me learn just what it was to love someone else so much.

Reminiscing about all he did for us made me understand the epitome of a dad. Any man can become a father but it takes a real man to step up and be dad.

So to the girl missing you father on Father’s Day, don’t dwell on what you feel like you missed. It always hurts to know that he wasn’t there physically for my high school graduation, my signing day, my first day of college, both my college graduations, and my first job.

He won’t be there for my wedding and my first child but no matter what he sees it all. And I know he’s proud of us everyday.

So, enjoy those sweet memories of him that you have. Take time to appreciate those people in your life that have helped you through the rough times. And look forward to making new and loving memories with the people you love. And don’t forget to tell him Happy Father’s Day!

My Natural Hair Journey

Being natural is not a STATEMENT, it is the closest I can get to being MYSELF.
Unknown

On August 18, 2015, I decided that I was ready to go natural.

I had driven home to get a relaxer with my beautician, that I had been seeing since I was 10 years old, after a 5 month stint of not having my hair done. We had a regular ritual of me visiting every two weeks, alternating between a relaxer and a good wash/style. For the past 10 years, she had be keeping my hair nice and healthy and for her I was grateful. But, when it was time for me to go to college, I realized that I was on my own. And I really didn’t know what I was doing.

The first two years were tough. being a collegiate athlete, my hair was always tough to handle. I had a number of styles that were just out of convenience for competition and travel but, may not have been the best for my dry, brittle, relaxed hair. But I was “too busy” to figure out what my hair really needed.

After removing the styles, I noticed my hair still wasn’t progressing so, I tried hair pills. They worked and did everything I needed them to do but, it got expensive and even though I had developed a good hair care routine, I still was struggling to keep it going. With the season kicking up into full gear which meant, back to the convenient styles.

So here we are, making that car ride back to school after getting my relaxer and a much needed cut to rid my hair of its dead ends. I cried my eye out because I hated the cut and I felt my hair had thinned out and was no longer healthy. So in that moment, I decided to go natural. I was no longer happy with my hair and realized I needed a change.

So for the next 12 months I decided to transition by having a new protective style every 4 weeks. It was working out great for me, I was starting to see what my curl pattern might be and I couldn’t wait to cut it to see it in full affect. But mentally, I new I couldn’t do it just yet. I wasn’t ready to look at myself sporting a haircut that matched my brother’s. I still was confused on who I was and where I wanted to go and cutting my hair just seemed like to big of a decision to add to my already list of crisis.

So the months rolled by and the styles kept coming, and I had a pretty good few months. I discovered what I liked and disliked, what I was ready to do, and more things about myself that I didn’t expect. So after an amazing track season, I returned home to my stylist at the 10 month mark on June 18, 2016 (2 months earlier than I planned) and told her I was ready to big chop.

She used her shears and cut strands of my hair away. As I watched it drop to the floor I started to feel like my identity was leaving my body. Tears threatened to fall but my pride just wouldn’t allow it. For years my hair was always done, nicely relaxed and roller wrapped. I always valued my appearance and felt that my outer appearance didn’t match my inner self anymore and now I wasn’t too sure about how I felt about my decision.

For the next hour she washed, deep conditioned and styled my cut. I hadn’t seen what I looked like until she held that mirror up in front of my face at the end and, I couldn’t help but smile. I was very pleased with my new look and was ready to take on the world.

For awhile, people didn’t know how to react. I had people tell me they didn’t like it, question me on why I did it, tell me my hair was fine the way it was. That’s when I realized just how superficial people can be or just how superficial I really was. Suddenly I had the urge to show people just how pretty I could be with my hair.

For the next few years I battled with my hair on what it liked and didn’t like. What styles really fit me. I still believed that my hair was a reflection of me and how I felt. The only difference was that now, people could really see how I was feeling through the care of my natural hair. Before, I was paying for someone to do my hair and every two weeks she helped me show the world I was ok when some days I may not have been. But now, it was my job to make me feel good about myself.

So two years into my journey, I made another visit to my beautician telling her of all my hair troubles which resulted in what I thought would be a small trim, but turned out to be a haircut. I again had to rid my hair of the dead ends and shed all of my natural hair mistakes and try again.

Since then, I have been making sure that I was doing all I could to keep my hair healthy. I had a NEW hair care regimen where I did what I felt was right for my hair, bought products that aided in my healthy hair journey, and ensured that I was putting good things into my body (vitamins, fruits, vegetables, and drinking water).

Now, four years later, I have my hair down to a science. I have been able to significantly thicken my hair and be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I now truly understand that ” I am not my hair”. I am who I am and my hair is an extension of me. It helps me express my mood, make a statement, and be creative.

My natural hair journey was more than a journey to healthy hair, but a journey to self discovery, acceptance, and love.

So happy 4 year Naturalversary to me!

A Woman’s Worth

Part 1: Self Worth Practices
Acting like the woman you want to be.

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she has to discover her truth worth. Not what was read in a book, seen in a movie, and definitely not what society has labeled her to become. But who she truly is, on the inside and out.

Once that journey to self worth and discovery has begun, there is not stopping it. And soon, there is a sort of ” AHA” moment, a light bulb that goes off where she realizes that she is a remarkable woman.

But how do you start this journey to discovering self worth? What things can you practice to push yourself to start your journey?

Well, lucky for you, I have compiled a list of what I call ” Self Worth Practices” to get you started. So lets get started!

Acknowledged the Change

You’ve already taken the first step in realizing that you are ready to start your journey in being the best you can be and reaching your full potential. That is half the battle. It’s not an easy thing to accept that you know you can better. Sometimes there is a moment of disappointment. You may feel as though you’ve wasted valuable time on your self development. But that is ok, the beauty of it all is that it’s never too late to become the woman you were meant to be and it’s worth taking the time to discover where you want to go.

Self Care/ Self Love

Self Care and Self love is not just physical like getting your hair and nails down. It’s showing yourself the upmost care, feeding your mind, body, and soul. Things such as:

Meditation/ Prayer
Reading (self- development, knowledge, etc)
Journaling
Limiting screen time
Trying new activities
Establishing a routine
Establishing a sleep schedule

And the list goes on. At first it may seem weird to be catering to yourself so much and spending so much time alone however, your mind, body, and soul will thank you later. You will be able to think more clearly, process information more efficiently and retain more knowledge/ information.

You may notice physical changes such as clear skin, better sleep, and more energy to be able to complete your day. No matter what stage you are in, self care and self-love is a vital part of your development not just as a woman but a human being.

Flaws and All

Start acknowledging your flaws and realizing that they are a part of you and make you who you are. Every person has them, nobody is perfect. Just remember that you are made in your Heavenly Father’s image and he makes no mistakes. Once you have accepted that, you can start practicing good habits to help reduce the bad.

For example, I have a bad habit of saying yes to everything because I always want to help and I never want to disappoint. So, I have started planning my weeks, months out in advance on my calendar

(See https://spillingthebeansinfo.data.blog/2020/01/21/example-post/ for details on how I use my calendar).

That way, I am unable to say yes to something if my day is already full to prevent me from over-working myself and not being any use to the other person or myself.

Become a GOALdigger

I know you have goals for yourself whether it’s to become a lawyer, be an entrepreneur, buy your first car, own your own home, etc. Have those goals written out and work your way to them. Put them in order of obtainability so that way as you reach them, you’re building to the bigger goals you want to achieve.

As a personal trainer, I used SMART goals for my clients. It means Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Time-Based. SMART are not just good for fitness goals but for everything! Once you have your list of goals, asses if they meet the SMART goals criteria, order them by obtainability ( Time-based) and before you know it, you will be crossing those goals off.

I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T

There’s nothing like being able to say you did it by yourself. On this journey, push more and more to stand on your own two feet to get where you want to go. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing wrong with asking for help but I encourage you to try to do it on your own first. You may develop a new skill that will be very useful to you in the long run.

For example, I’ve discovered that I have become a pretty good handyWOMAN since I began my journey. I’ve put together furniture, fixed light fixtures, and worked on my car. It a sense of empowerment and it really motivates me to do more when I see I have done something I consider difficult on my own.

Push for discomfort

Growth is the “process of increasing in amount, value or importance“. During this journey we are pushing for growth in all elements that means physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That will cause some discomfort to you along the way because, you are stepping outside of your comfort zone. Think about it like this, if your comfort zone is 10% of the world, you still have 90% that you haven’t discovered, so grow out of that 10% of space you have allowed yourself, and discover the other 90. I promise you will soon realize that you can grow way beyond 10%.

Have Faith

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1

You already have faith in yourself since you have decided to embark on this journey but, hold your faith and trust in God as well. He will guide your steps through your discomfort and to your finish line. Even when your belief in yourself seems shaken and you feel lost in who you are working to become and that “worth: you’re trying to discover, he will never lose faith in you. Therefore, stay close to him and keep him close to you throughout this time, especially when it seems hard.

Using the tools above I guarantee you will be able to start your journey. Along the way you will develop other practices that will help you discover and develop your ” Self Worth”.

If you have started your journey or, are working towards it, I would love to hear about it and what self worth practices you have developed. Leave a comment and stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon!

To the Girl feeling lonely on Valentines Day…this post is for you

Starting mid January, stores start putting out their Valentine’s Day items. Giant bears, chocolates in every shape and sizes, flowers, and much more grace the isles. And you can’t help but glance down each isle and wish you could get one from someone.

But you wonder why you feel this way? On this day of the year you want something from a significant other. Even if you know it’s nothing serious with someone you may be seeing, you still hope for that small touch of affection.

Why is that?

Is it because you just don’t want to feel like the only one not participating in the holiday? You want to be a part of the social media hype? Or you just want to feel…something.

There are so many ways to approach this holiday:

1. Be that girl who post all day about how Valentine’s Day is “created by the retail market to get money” and you won’t be apart of the hype.

2. You could be that person who reaches out to exes in hope to fulfill your satisfaction for this one day even though you KNOW it’s not a good idea.

3. You could be that bitter, sad girl who cried on and off and then is angry at the world. And in result, your friends who are having a good day, you bring them down.

But I think there’s a fourth way to approach this.

How about be the girl who shows love to herself and to her loved ones.

Buy those chocolates for your friends, send cute cards to your family members, but most of all…do something for yourself.

The Mani/Pedi you’ve been putting off, GET IT!

That movies you’ve been meaning to see, GO SEE IT!

That restaurant you’ve been wanting to try, GO TRY IT!

Provide yourself with the upmost self love that you possibly can because, if you can’t even show love to yourself, how do you expect to be able to receive love from someone else?

Use this time to get to know you and what you like. Yeah it may seem like you’re alone and I’m asking you to do cliche’ things but why don’t you do them.

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.
Henry Rollins

So take this time to find out who you and and who you wish to be. Take in the beauty of what is your life and where it’s heading. Take in every moment and the fresh air and just be thankful for where you are and that “loneliness” may just turn into the solitude you’ve been looking for.

Kait “Spills the Beans”

If you’re reading this, you’ve decided that my blog has caught your attention and your interested n what I have to say so, let me start from the beginning.

Welcome to my blog! I’m truly excited that you have made it here and I can not wait to start my blogging journey with you. I created this blog to have a space for me to not only create but, to share my experiences and advice to other black women.

I know the common thought among black woman is that we will push through with no complaints. And I always felt this way, no matter what I was going through, I had the feeling that no matter what I was going through, I needed to keep it to myself.

” Don’t let them see me sweat”

But, on the inside I was dying.

In my 24 years of life, I have achieved many things. From becoming an Outdoor Track and Field All- American at 20 to graduating college with my Master’s degree at 24. Yes, I’m proud of myself but, I still had moments where, I felt inferior. I felt as though I couldn’t express how I was feeling because I had to be strong, I had to always prevail. I am very grateful for what I have and how far I’ve come, but it always helps to be able to know there is someone going through the same and knowing that you don’t have to be tough through every battle.

So, take this blog as a guide to help you and all my young black queens through their battles. Motivation on the days you have none. Lifestyle advice to help spruce up your day. And, advice that just may help shed some light on your problems.

With that being said…Hi, I’m Kaitlyn and stay tuned with me while I “Spill the Beans” on my experiences.

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